A Brick

We all have our fears, our weaknesses, that Achilles’ heal. Sometimes we forget about them when our phobias are absent, making us feel strong and confident like never before. It’s as if our lives are as perfect as we pretend certain celebrity’s or role models are, before they shave their heads and are harassed by the public, of course. Then, like Britney Spears, we might have our crash. The meltdown of our lives when we are faced with that terrible fear or that heel is struck, and our strength is nowhere near what we hoped it was, this is a nightmare.
What could spur me to write such a post? Writing about another post. Though, this isn’t the How To Save a Few Bucks theme I had originally intended to write. Yet, it is connected, if you have the patience to find the connection, you will see.
I realize that I could do many things with my life. I could finally talk to that guy I think is (how should I say this calmly?) mega-super-cute-and-oh-my-god-when-he-looks-at-me-I-die-and-then-this-music-plays-in-the-back-though-I-really-don’t-know-what-it’s-called-I-think-it’s-Disney. I could have written more posts. I could have written more newspaper articles. I could finally gather up courage to tell people when I love them, or when I’m angry or sad.
It’s during writing that I realize my deepest weakness has left me strapped to ambulance gurneys, wheelchairs, and on my knees shivering from a numbing coldness that I swear is Fear in a physical form. Anxiety. Anxiety? Yes, anxiety! You can imagine a college student trying to write papers swallowing pills. There are women who never leave their houses. Men who never marry living with their parents eating chicken steak fingers with Mac-and-Cheese every Friday evening might even be victims as well. Some people dismiss it. They laugh and call it weakness of the mind, a lack of bravery in their hearts. Yet, even they experience anxiousness when someone goes into a panic attack, rubbing their limbs trying to warm up the victim when they start whispering, “my arm’s numb.”
I hated it. Anxiety is binding. It feels like a boundary you created for yourself, slowly, adding brick by brick, until you hit an eight foot wall one day out of the blue. And when you’re stuck in it, it feels like you’re in immense debt. You don’t know how to pay off such a large bill, but if you don’t you’ll lose everything. I’ve found it’s best if you pay it off dollar by dollar, and you can tear down a wall brick by brick.
Will you lose everything? Yes, but if you don’t accept that you have, and begin to conquer all the phobias and calm your anxiety, you will lose everything that you haven’t yet gotten, as well.
So, back to how this is connected to my How To Save a Few Bucks theme. I had been avoiding post writing out of fear. I feared reaction. I feared the quality of the post. I feared many things. It was when I reflected on my scared attitude that I realized I was rebuilding a wall I have been tearing down. It’s not a easy job, and I was making it an even tougher one. Here is my post. A brick I tore down. I hope anyone reading this can look upon it and realize what it has been through. And, hopefully, I will tear the rest down, too. Maybe, I’ll write an article I’ve been meaning to, exposing the health hazard that my school has been hiding. Maybe, I’ll tell my family and friends I’ll love them. Maybe, I’ll finally talk to that person I’ve been eyeing for some time now.


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